Monday, September 18, 2006

Struggles

Maybe it has been the lack of time. Maybe it has been the baby, the coffeeshop (about a month or so from opening), maybe the new role as professor, maybe the lack of time discipline. But I haven't been here.

Maybe it has been a lack of things to say. I, frankly, struggle to reconcile some of my theological proclivities with my outright actions. Try mixing Calvinism, theonomy, anarchism, New Perspectivism, a scepticism towards "orthodoxy", libertarianism, localism, a heavily-modified agrarianism, an even more heavily modified Ludditism (I am, after all, using the internet), and a younger brother attitude.

Part of it may be that I don't want to make anyone mad. This may also explain why for the last couple of years I've held most friends (if not all, with the possible exception of my wife) at arms length or lengther with what I really think and believe. Either I waffle (always a noble choice) or I give up caring (again, the noble choices continue). There are days when I want to shout, "Shut up! You're wrong, I'm right, deal and move on!" However, for those who know me, it is a rare and frightful (mostly for me) day when that happens.

Here's the strange thing, though. Whenever my friend base was largely nominal or non-Christian, I was much more strident. Sometimes I didn't care what they thought, sometimes I had genuine concern to win their hearts and minds to Jesus. Around Christians it is much harder to express doubt over doctrine or the way we do things. Why? One, I'm afraid of being right and the consequences that brings. Two, I'm afraid of being wrong and the consequences that brings. Three, I'm afraid of knowing that I'm wrong but being obstinant. There are so many times when I have to use vagaries so as to not arouse suspicion of the authorities or even my equals.

In the wise words of Jason P., maybe I should just stick to the coffee business.

2 comments:

Keith Martel said...

glad you wrote this. i concur on much of what you wrote- except the self-description. Funny, I even called you obstinate (but this was meant to be a particular reference to H, not really you).

I also stopped bloggin because I am not incredibly interested in the blog-o-arguments I see so often. This is why I have enjoyed writing more common life things.

Jason said...

Well, instead of waffling, try French toasting or pancaking. Hur!

Seriously, I understand what you're saying. I share many of the traits you list, of which I'm sure you're aware.

The problem may be rooted--in part--to our community. (Warning: my little tirade may spill in to other areas, and I'm apologizing in advance.) Bluntly, some people in the RP church become hostile toward people that have differing opinions (or point their theological-o-dar even remotely away from the WCoF). I may be 95% in agreement with our denominations' views, but I too keep my mouth shut about the other five-per just to avoid bloodshed (or to avoid revealing my ignorance).

But I could be off. But I think the fact that you're aware and concerned about "the struggles" (distant cousin to "the Troubles") shows that you're blessed with insight.

Lastly, you just stickin' with the coffee biz would be like telling Ben Franklin to stick with newspaper editing.